I frequently hear couples wonder, "Maybe we're just not compatible," and yet, I've come to believe that a successful relationship isn't a compatibility issue... it's a felt-safety issue, and perhaps a skill issue -- as in, "How do we create a sense of mutual understanding and felt-safety together?" Click the pic below for a relevant Instagram video about this.

Cute video that demonstrates the difference between replying to someone who's feeling hurt in a way that generates relational security vs. replying in a way that contributes to mutual defensiveness.

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Intent vs. Impact and Secure vs. Insecure response

Feeling secure with one's partner soothes the brain. In this video, Sue Johnson discusses research about this, showing that a secure and bonded relationship minimizes threat-related neural activity. The buoyant thing about this is that it was done with partners who did not initially feel secure, but who became secure through a course of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

Per the research by mathematician and psychologist John Gottman, whether or not we respond to our partner has everything to do with whether or not the relationship lasts. 

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Brief Instagram clip about this

Article about Turning Towards

This video is a fantastic overview of the first chapter of our work together... figuring out painful patterns of interaction that are working against you as a couple. And this website discusses a little more about how to start working with this pattern.​​ For something more in-depth, check out The Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples.​

It's crucial for couples to attune to one another and to have interactions that generate coregulation rather than dysregulation. This article describes coregulation in couples.